I. Poland: a history. (-ish)

It is 2:59 AM. Tomorrow I will be on a plane to Wrocław, Poland, capital of Lower Silesia. For those of you who don’t know (which, let’s be honest, is everyone reading this except my mother and this Polish rando I met buying fruit on the street), Silesia covers the lower western region of Poland, dipping lightly into the northeast of the Czech Republic.  It has been ruled by Greater Moravia, a 9^th century slavic state that lasted a mere 70 years (or, in Eastern European geography, a long and prosperous 70 years!), and then the Crown of Bohemia took it over, which surprisingly refers to a feudal system ruled by a group of warring and incestuous kings, not aspiring poets with too much inheritance and overly-priced floral skirts. But, just like in 2009, Boho-chic became “Ew! Sooo last season,” and the Austrians we’re HOT HOT HOT! So the super-posh Austrian monarchy revived the foreclosed post-Boho region with some swanky architecture, only to flip the newly gentrified land to Prussia in 1742. Then the Germans bought out Prussia in the biggest nation-merger of the time. But this “too big to fail” empire did fail, epically, in the course of a bad investment called World War I. So the allies broke it up and returned each member its nation. Thus Lower Silesia belonged to a land called Poland once more.

Moravians (with Native Americans)

Indeed, Poland existed! Finally! From 1918-1939, Poland was a real country, and could do all the things other real countries do. But then the Nazis came, then the Soviets, and, as usual, Poland ended up the bargaining chip on the European poker table. But eventually the commie fascist wall came down, thanks to hunk-in-trunks Hasselhoff, who allowed the Soviets to drown while the silicon sisters jogged in slow motion on shore. Since then, Poland has become less and less like Baywatch, and more and move like The Jeffersons: gaining more substance, more heart, and, more importantly, Movin’ on Up! Poland has boomed faster than any other Eastern European nation, with cheap tourism (my shameless plug to come visit), delicious salt, and plenty of natural gas. And that’s the history of Poland. Sort of.

Bohemians

Austrians (and random Asian dude)

More Austrians

I know that was pretty densely academic and technical, so don’t feel embarassed if you couldn’t follow the mired and acephalous narrative of Perogi-land, derived from hours upon hours of arduous research (that other people did to form a great wikipedia page). For those of you without my fabulous historian instincts, just think about Poland as the fairytale Pinnochio:

After years and years [i.e. centuries and centuries] of wishing to be a real boy, a Blue Fairy [Allies in WWI] grants his wish and makes him just like all the other boys. But still naïve as a newly-formed hominoid, he gets easily tricked by conniving con artists [Nazis] who make him perform a sadistic and demeaning puppet show while locked in a cage. He finally escapes such a cruel fate, only to be convinced he is extremely ill, and that he can only be cured by going to an island that turns him into a work mule in a salt mine [Soviet rule]. He escapes this fate as well, but in the process of returning home gets swallowed by a whale, where he is reunited with his maker/parent, Geppetto [1970’s suppression and marital law]! Trapped, having few options, Pinocchio is still grateful to be reunited with his family, acknowledging that things could be (and have been) worse. The future will be brighter! “Aha,” thinks Pinocchio, “my narrator is brilliant! Brighter it shall be.” Struck with a fabulous idea, the former puppet starts a fire, forcing himself and Geppetto to be expelled from the belly [1990’s shock therapy]. Exhausted and exhilarated, they finally get to go home, where they enjoy all the amenities a whale-belly lacks. And so happily lives Pinocchio, as a real boy!